I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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