wakey wakey hands off snakey
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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