it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
