enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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