Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
