he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I want her autograph on my taint
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
