it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
