Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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