Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
