If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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