i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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