i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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