Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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