Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They took my balls.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
