Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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