I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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