ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
