Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
