Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
