Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
