so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
