shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
