Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
