Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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