I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
