My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
