Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
