oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
