Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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