Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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