Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
