my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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