There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
