TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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