i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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