i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
