i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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