I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
