Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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