Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i out mim tonsoeep
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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