I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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