Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
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