I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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