I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
