yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
