i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
