Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
