weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
