It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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