it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
