I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
